Domestic Tranquility & Equestrian Logic

With the rampant psychosis stinking up the spa and the island of Lana`i as a whole like fertilizer, I have taken to disappearing to mainland Maui on my day off. The ferry ride is generally smooth unless we smash into one of the many humpbacked menaces currently inhabiting the channel like fat koi in a barrel. We need to start eating these whales, but that is a discussion for another day.

I had generously accepted the invitation for beer in Pa`ia and horse whispering from Sera, the former outside center for the WAZZU Women's Rugby team. I still have no photos for you but as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words and that in itself is far too much talk.

I'm back on Lana`i now, suffering from no sleep and perched on a dock, I can feel the earth rotating on its axis. This is an unnerving and painfully nauseous experience that is complimented nicely by the pork sandwiches I've been eating all day. But I cannot vomit or these carp will go crazy, riding the steam of puke like lightning into my mouth and down my gullet where they will spawn until my intestines rupture with their foul offspring.

The horsing about proved to be fine. I had never personally been atop one of these beasts, but have since cultivated a somewhat more profound respect for Zorro and other pertinent swashbucklers. The animals are not to be trusted. It tried repeatedly to buck me into the pineapple fields and I sustained superficial back wounds from the multitude of low bridges it attempted to peel me out of the saddle under. In the end it all came down to kicking the brute in the side and making that clicking sound between the teeth that gets large animals moving.

The dancing in Pa`ia was sub par. Unrecognizable tunes and samples and DJs growling into rotten microphones about god only knows what. The two $14 double Jager shots were the final straw.

We fled back to her studio where she smoked a hand rolled joint of pure nicotine venom the proceeded to do crotchless hanging ab lifts from the 3 in 1 tower of power. She then hung upside down on inversion boots until I lost interest and started tearing apart her stuffed animals.

It was all a whirlwind 24 hour period and I had to be back in Lahina for the 6:45 boat. So we pawed at each other until 5am when her ex boyfriend walked through the door in direct violation of his restraining order.

Right away I could hear the teeth start to grind. This would obviously not go as he had planned it and being a thuggish Brit he would be an improvisational cripple outside of anything more cerebral than a duel in the yard.

He had some kind of eerie red light and I figured he must have rode his 10 speed in and snaked the tail light off at the last minute as a symbolic gesture that perhaps the red light express was making its 5am stop in Makawao.

The light did nothing more than illuminate him, blinding him as she yelled at the light repeatedly to leave. He muttered pathetically, fumbling at the light switch.

The 80 watt halogen at the top of the high ceiling was like an awful premature sunrise, illuminating her draped over me in her PJs as I yawned casually in a borrowed pair of women's underwear. I stretched lazily looking at him with one eye, taking time to flex the biceps.

A cheap parlor gag, but it was early and I didn't have time for yard brawling. It worked as effectively though as a punch to the nuts. He backed slowly out over the threshold like a freshly buggered British gelding as I made that clicking sound between my teeth that gets large animals moving.